The Farmer and The Salesman
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.
After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.
The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared This isn't the price I saw!".
The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting  extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.
The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick".
The salesman said he and his son would be right out .
After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.
The farmer said "Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow, you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too".
"What extras?" asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW.................... 500.00
Two-tone exterior............ 45.00
Extra stomach................ 75.00
Product storing equipment...60.00
Straw compartment..........120.00
4 spigots @$10 ea............ 40.00
Leather upholstery...........125.00
Dual horns................... 45.00
Automatic fly swatter .......38.00
Fertilizer attachment........185.00
GRAND TOTAL $1,233.00
---------------------------
General Store
This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job. The owner tells him that he doesn't need any help. The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he'll give him a job.
A few minutes later a customer comes in. "Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?" The guy says, "I need some grass seed." So the owner goes and gets it. When he gets back he says, "How about a lawn mower to go with this." "What do I need a lawn mower for?" "Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with." "Yea, OK, I'll take a lawn mower too."
After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, "That's how it's done. Can you do that?" The kid said, "Sure."
So the next customer comes in and the guy says, "I need some Tampons." The kid says, "Yes sir.", and goes after them. When he gets back he says, "Would you like a lawn mower to go with that?" The guy says, "What the hell do I need a lawn mower for?"
The kid replies, "You might as well cut the grass. Your weekend is shot, that's for sure....."
---------------------------
Montana Ghost Story
A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" asks the professor.
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!?" Dang, I thought you said 'goats.'
---------------------------
Famous Moms
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
---------------------------
---------------------------
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off? I'm trying to poop!"
---------------------------
Going Fishing
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out and get some sun.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (Thinking to herself, isn't it obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading"
"Yes but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you can start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
|
