Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar
The bartender says "What'll you have?
The first vampire says "I'll have a pint of blood"
The second vampire says "I'll also have a pint of blood"
The third vampire says "I'll have a pint of plasma"
The bartender says "So that's two Bloods and a Blood Lite."
Computer Programers and a Light Bulb
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because that's a hardware problem.
People in Grass Houses
A king of one of the smaller African nations had an elegant golden throne in his grass hut.
When an old friend from another nation who he hadn't seen in a long time came to visit, he
was afraid the friend would see the throne and treat him differently.
He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but no on avail. Finally he decided to
have it wedged up in the rafters of his hut.
When his friend arrived, the king went to the opening in the hut to great him. Just then the
ceiling of the hut began to give way with the weight of the throne. The throne came crashing
down on the king, killing him.
The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
Old Lady in The Park
A little girl asked if she could have a dollar to give to the old lady in the park.
Her mother was touched by her kindness and gave her a dollar.
"There you are dear," she said. "But tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
Falling Down Drunk
A man whose level of intoxication was bordering on the absurd, got up
from his bar stool and fell on the floor.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air", he thought as he crawled to the front door.
He tried to stand up again but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought, "I'll just crawl home.
The next morning his wife found him asleep on the front porch.
"You were out drinking again last night, weren't you", she asked.
"Ah yes, "he said sheepishly, "But how could you tell?"
"Because you left your wheel chair at the bar again"
A New York State of Mind
Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Sex in Advertising
Two young women were riding around town in their car with a sign on top
that said "Two hookers-$50"
Shortly thereafter they were stopped by a policeman who told them they'd
have to either remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then another car drove by with a sign that said "Jesus Saves"
One of the girls asked "Why don't you stop them?"
"Well that's different", the policeman said, "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies frowned, took their sign down and left.
The following day the policement noticed the same two women driving around
town, again with a large sign.
Only this time it said "Two Angels Seeking Peter-$50"
Baseball in Heaven
Two old codgers, Abe and Sol, were sitting on their normal park bench talking about
baseball, as they always did.
Abe turns to Sol and asks "Do you suppose there's baseball in Heaven?"
"I dunno," said Sol. "But let's make a deal. If I die first, I'll come back and tell you if
there's baseball in Heaven. And if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it, and sadly, a few months later Abe has a heart attack and dies.
Soon afterward Sol is sitting in the park feeding the pigeons when he hears a voice
saying "Sol,....Sol".
Sol responds, "Abe, is that you?"
"Yes it is," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, says "So tell me Abe, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe. "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Gimmie the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says "Well there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says "That's fantastic! What kind of bad news could possibly ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers "You're pitching on Friday."
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