Warming Up
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl said "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up".
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up."
So he did and his nose began to get warm.
He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said "Do you know what? I think my penis is frozen solid"
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes dear. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "Well they make quite a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
Could You Spell That For Me?
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her if she would watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well her husband told her. Remember the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill?
Well I married her a month after you died. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in for so many years and bought a huge mansion. And, my young wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
The History of Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
The weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
And yew thought yew knew everything.
Pork and Sex
A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork."
The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading.
After a while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar breaks into a house real late on night and as he is sneaking around the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice that loudly says "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
The burglar, thinking he has been caught, stops in his tracks.
Silence.
So he starts looking through the house again when suddenly he hears, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
Again the burglar stops in his tracks.
After a few minutes he hears nothing, so he starts moving around again, and as before, hears "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
This time he hunts for the voice and finds a parrot sitting on a perch.
The burglar asks the parrot if he said that and the parrot said "YES".
The burglar laughs and says "So, what's your name birdie?", and the parrot replies "Clarence".
The burglar laughs even more and says, "What kind of idiot would name a parrot "Clarence"?
The parrot replies "THE SAME IDIOT THAT NAMED THE ROTTWEILLER "JESUS".
A Special Cup Of Coffee
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.
He made it himself and was so proud.
He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...
The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
Do You Know, or Do You Care…?
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
Rocking Chair, Sofa or Room?
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
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