Understanding Wife
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess". "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister and your best friend, plus her best friend and your mother!" "I know my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
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Small Towns
Those of you who grew up in a small town will laugh when you read this.
Those of you who didn't will be in disbelief... but trust me every one of these is true.
Hope you enjoy it...
- You can name everyone you graduated with.
- You know what 4-H is
- You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted, see #6.
- You used to "drag" main.
- You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.
- You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
- You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).
- When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
- You knew which section of the ditch to find the beer your buyer dropped off.
- It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
- The whole school went to the same party after graduation
- You don't give directions by street name: "Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and its four houses left of the track field."
- The golf course had only 9 holes.
- You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
- You refer to anyone with a house newer then 1980 as the "rich people."
- The people in the "big city" dress funny then you pick up the trend 2 years later.
- Anyone you want can be found at the local gas station or the town pub.
- You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends drives a grain truck to school occasionally.
- The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
- Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.
- You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.
- Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.
- Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
- You can charge at the local stores or write checks without any ID.
- The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or more).
- The closest mall is over an hour away.
- It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
- You've peed in a cornfield.
- Most people go by a nickname.
- You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is all true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town because you know them all!
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The Pearly Gates
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Socratic Method
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.
"Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates.
"So you don't really know if it's! true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.
You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife.
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Bathroom Encounter
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that?
At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
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Religion and Insurance
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services.
He was asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives who could help out?"
He said, "I only have one spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Sir, nuns are certainly not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then in that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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God Bless The Queen
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence. The coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident. But then the Queen decided that ignoring things was a ridiculous manner with which to handle this most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
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