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Two Dogs
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get?"
Newspaper Headlines in 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan and Lebanon.)
North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President
Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
Two Old Ladies
There were two old ladies standing out in a parking lot smoking.
Well all of a sudden it started to rain, and one of them pulled out a condom and pulled it over her cigarette.
The other women asked "what is that?"
She told her "It's a raincoat for my cigarette."
The other women asked "Where can I get some of those?"
She said "At any drug store."
Well the next day she went to a drugstore, and asked the clerk "Where can I get some of those condom thingies?"
He asked "What size do you need?"
She said "I don't know, any size that will fit a Camel."
Grocery Store
A man exiting a grocery store was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying, "Good evening!" Her face was beaming.
At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look.
He couldn't remember having ever seen her before.
Then she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized.
She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children."
She walked on her way into the store.
The man was left staring dumbfounded after her.
More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children look like."
However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors, but also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children.
A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship?"
"Could it be that I really fathered a child?"
Still stunned, he walked to his car.
He still did not realize, of course, that....
She was the second grade teacher of his daughter.
Walking the Dog
This young girl about 7 years old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school.
Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well.
His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.
The next day the father came up with a plan.
He put some gasoline on the dog's rear end to hide her smell from the male dogs.
Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.
About an hour later the girl returned without the dog.
The father asked, "what on earth has happened to the dog?"
The girl replies, "Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back and is being pushed home by another dog."
Married Life
Four married guys went fishing.
After an hour, the following conversation took place
First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy:
"That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater."
Absolutely Stupid Pun of the Month
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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