One Senior Citizen's View of The Bush Administration
Dear Sir:
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my home.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
I just thought you and your readers would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely,
Sadaam Hussein
The Heart Attack (Thanks to Bud for sending this along)
A simple guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from his bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's going on?" he asks his wife.
"Can't you see? I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone and call 911, but before he can dial, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy!
Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around our house naked scaring the kids!"
Funeral Arrangements
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me," He continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.
Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.
She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out.
So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window flew open, the lawyer stuck his head out, waved to his wife and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her."
Church Gossip
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members of the congregation didn't like her gossiping, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others in the church that everyone seeing his truck at the bar would know that he was an alcoholic.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked away without saying a thing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup truck in front of Sarah's house where everyone could see it.......and then left it there all night long.
The Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Kauai so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take to cover more than 3,000 miles! It will exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord pondered a moment and replied, "You want two lanes on that bridge or four?"
Ladies Verses Real Women
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Buy your cake at the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg on your pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so just don't do it.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip!.....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??
10 Husbands and A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was . . .God! How I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!
Lucky Frog
A middle aged executive takes the day off work and goes golfing. On the third hole he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Rabbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Rabbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 8 inches from the cup. He's shocked and says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Rabbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Rabbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had golfed the best game of his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Rabbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Rabbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, he asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Rabbit. $2000. Black 10." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Rabbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
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