Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. Because her husband didn't know what her costume looked like, she decided she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new cutie that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a good time. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. She put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband could possibly offer for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "To tell you the truth, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some of the other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"
Love is Blind
Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her.
On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they could continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.
Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
The Farmer And The lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees with a groan.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned up every bit of his will power and somehow managed to struggle onto his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his Armani jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled from ear to ear and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
No More Chicken Sandwiches
Randy and Sally attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they sat together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day Randy noticed that Sally's sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "Wow, you're right, better not eat any more chicken sandwiches."
He kept right on eating his chicken sandwiches. Then one day, toward the end of the school year, he brought peanut butter.
He said to the Sally, "Now I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches too, cause I'm starting to get feathers down there too!
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants to show her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and the gizzards".
Kangaroo
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.
The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet.
Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.
This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.
Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
Alligator Alert
Due to hurricanes in Florida, the following caution was issued by the Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife:
Hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers should take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Bay, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties.
We advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.
We also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Public service message for women to better understand the male.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys - cumin is a spice)
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Completely Stupid Pun of The Month
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Definitions
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow
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