Why did the Chicken cross the road?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. And of course, Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Chief Talk A Lot
A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy love making. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and quickly kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he possibly kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Gas Attack
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of passing gas loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to go see a doctor. She said she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued with his morning habit!
Then, one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all of the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bedcovers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting noise which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing so hard the tears were streaming down her checks.
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. Satisfaction at last!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you've warned me and I wouldn't listen to you. I'm so sorry I didn't"
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened! But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I finally got most everything back in."
The Bug
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly, without warning, the woman pulled out a knife, reached over and sliced the man's penis off.
Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment and then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It ....it was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said...."Sure had a big penis, didn't it?"
A New Bike
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a new 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. I'm sorry but there's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going with that suitcase?"
Little Patrick says, "Well last night I was walking past your room and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Absolutely Stupid Pun of the Month
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
The Pope and The Jew
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.
If the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.
Rabbi Moishe, however refused, saying it was no use and the Jews might as well start packing.
The people were distraught.
Out of the weeping and wailing, a voice was heard. It was Yakel saying "I will do it".
The people said "you Yakel? you are just a dumb schmuck. How could you, who cannot even read the Torah, face the pope?"
"It is either me or move," replied Yakel.
So the people agreed.
However, as Yakel spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Yakel sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Yakel looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Yakel pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Yakel pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Yakel was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the delirious Jewish community was gathered around Yakel.
What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Yakel, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.'
"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.' "
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Yakel. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Oy veh...
|
