Smart Pooch
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with world leaders, because no one figured a dog could ever be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job in airport security doing some undercover work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
I had a wife, helped raise a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired and taking it easy."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Twenty bucks."
The guy asks the owner, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Christmas Parrot
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner lit a match under Chet's left foot and Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!.. "
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
"Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ..."
Out of Town Doctor
A man from New Jersey moved to Kauai and became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but no one could help him. Finally he met a doctor who was in town on vacation.
After the man explained his symptoms, the doctor said "Go on out to the Princeville Ranch. Find an outhouse and then put your head over the hole. Breathe in the fumes for 10 minutes."
The man was willing to try anything, so he did as he was told. The next day he saw the doctor and said "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied "You were homesick."
Sneezing
A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs.
The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe what he is seeing.
A few more minutes pass. Then the woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs.
Are you trying to send me some kind of signal, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir.
I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly about his remark, says, "Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that. Is there any medication that is helpful for your condition?
The woman looks at him and says "Not really. I just use black pepper".
More Medical Terms Made Easy
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
The Camel
The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company at a very remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent with a tall stool next to it.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel and stool are kept there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel and stool over beside his tent.
Not wanting to seem ignorant by asking for instructions, the Captain puts the stool behind the camel, stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "So, Sergeant, is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.
"They usually use the stool to get onto the camel and then ride into town where the girls are."
Exercise for Seniors
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb.
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.
Dear God
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Amanda
Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation? Jane
Dear God, In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea? Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
Stupid Holiday Pun
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Oh Hillary
A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead stop in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire.
She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about running for president in 2008.
So we're taking up a collection for her."
The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies
"About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
New Alcohol Warnings Just in Time for New Year's Eve
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing weirdly.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
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